


This was it

by Mertrash



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Breaking down, Depression, Falling Apart, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-10
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2019-03-29 10:22:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13925151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mertrash/pseuds/Mertrash
Summary: Rose said that change was plausible, if he wanted it.That, that had pissed him off. He wanted to change, right?Right?





	This was it

**Author's Note:**

> It's 2am and this is a vent fic

Why does it have to be like this? Was it always like this? He couldn't remember when it had happened, when life had become this way. He could remember bluer skies of the past, thinking of the future so full of hope, those goals, inspirations he'd had, where had they all gone? 

Two hands typed up a familiar URL, ceasing once it popped up and scrolling to tap on it. He hadn't updated SBAHJ in an entire month. An entire month. 

When had it gotten so bad? 

A deep sigh passes through him, eyes scanning over the web-page, feeling a mixture of nostalgia and something of disappointment. It was garbage, really, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it aloud or to stop producing the comics. Well, he didn't mean to stop making them but something about bringing himself to draw the ideas he thought of, to actually create something, the will never came.

Sometimes he'd pass it off as a 'block' of some sort but, really, it'd been like this for years. It was time to just face the reality of it all, the fact that somewhere along the road, he'd given up. It wasn't intentional, no, he couldn't even fully grasp when it had happened or how this lifestyle had crept on him. 

Right? 

Yeah, it was better not to think of when it'd happened, better to pass it off as a blur, that's all it was anyways. Just a slow gradual descend, it never went up from here.

This was just life now. What a fucking shame. Younger Dave would be absolutely fucking destroyed to learn what he grew into because this, this was just pathetic, he'd grown into the worst kind of person and at this point, it felt impossible to change. 

Jade told him it was never impossible to change with that :B emoji, then happily going on about how great things were when really, they weren't, they never fucking were anymore. Every shitty thing overshadowed the good to the point where it just wasn't worth it, nothing was good enough, change wasn't happening. That was that.

Rose said that change was plausible, if he wanted it.

That, that had pissed him off. He wanted to change, right?

Right?

Hands slid back from the keyboard, retreating from his desk entirely as he slowly drew to stand, pulling back towards a familiar place. 

The only comfortable place anymore, bed. A part of him knew the moment he got into bed, the moment he covered himself up it would be over, he wouldn't get up. Too bad this fate was decided the moment his hands fell from the keyboard, huh. 

Once in bed, everything felt better.

Nah, that was a lie, everything was worse but at the very least, it was comfortable. He could close his eyes, sink down into the mattress, let his blanket consume him while those thoughts began to pry at him, beginning to taste his brain before devouring it completely.

He wanted to change, he really did, he thought he did. Going back to those days, days where he'd had energy, days where his emotions weren't broken, those had been better days but achieving them seemed unrealistic. This was his life now, it was better to make the most of it now.

Well, that'd be the case if there was something to make of it. Back then there'd been plans, goals, a genuine will to fucking live but boy, oh boy, was that gone. Gone, gone with the wind out of reach and often just plainly out of mind, everything was ruined now and it was easier to accept it. Accepting it made it easier, right?

No, because it couldn't be changed, even in the worst way.

The worst way of changing had been a plan at one point, the only way to just get a fucking break from himself, to get away from the inevitable future, everything. He wanted to do it, god, he needed to do it, get it over with, be done with it all, the worst change was the quickest one, the easiest way out, the best option.

But he couldn't change, not even in the worst way.

The future wasn't worth staying for, yet, disappearing wasn't gonna work out either. 

Nothing worked, so this was it. 

Laying in bed, hands clenching at the fabric, knees curled into his body, toes curling, eyes glued shut.

This was it, this was how it was. This was everything there was to life, the end, nothing was going to change.

The covers trembled.

It was never going to change. It'd gotten bad and would only continue. This was it. 

A quiet rupture sounded out.

This was it.

**Author's Note:**

> I think he'll get better, someday. 
> 
> Maybe.
> 
> Maybe not.


End file.
